IM SERIOUSLY NOT IN ANY MOOD TO STUDY =((( and that bothers me a WHOLE LOT! im walking everywhere around the house just so i wouldnt have to sit down and read my physics book. sigh. feeling so unaccomplished other than completing my computing tut and going through one chpt of it in the morning. GIVE ME THE MOTIVATION!

met fairies ( except ryl =( ) at ah chew dessert. without spending 2 to 3 hrs sitting at the table, u can't expect us to leave the place. so we each ordered our dessert but wasnt satisfied, so we shared another 2 bowls. hee. ah mok kind of reminded me of my jc days when i tried all means to control diet. haha! not that i don't do that now, but to a lesser extent i suppose. hah! i guess its just a phase that we go through. okay, i know it doesnt apply to all. but when u feel you cant control anything at all, diet is the only way u can! hah! pardon my nonsense but is true. kind of. when u start looking and observing people around you, u envy those skinnier than u and u think 'hey, it wouldnt hurt to lose a few more kgs just to be the ideal self' and dieting kicks in and yes, especially true when a single comment is present as well. i think it is especially true for me because so long as anyone comment anything about my appearance, i see the need to do something about it. and it dawned on me 'hey, is that called low self esteem? that i do not believe in myself? that i consistently seek approval from others to reassure myself?' hmm. actually i think i do have low self esteem. especially so during jc. thats a long story. when u kind of have a serious pimple outbreak in jc, kind of put on a few kgs, kind of just simply flunked ur exams all the time and of course, coupled with critical comments from others, u just feel disgusted about yourself. yea. i do get disgusted by myself. in fact, i haven been looking at myself in the mirror during those days and i think it totalled to 2 yrs. and even if i did, i took off my specs since my myopia kind of blurred everything and even if i looked in the mirror to tidy my hair, i focus only on my hair and not my face or i only look at the reflection from the window panes. yea, thats how saddening it was. i will never forget what my aunty said to me because it hurt me alot. it may just be a passing comment, but if u said it during a sensitive period, thats damaging. (its funny why im talking about the past and im tearing now). and now that my aunty do comment abt my sis at times, i feel like strangling them because i noe exactly how it feels. but yea, not only aunty, friends around you do comment too. and u just try laughing it away when u know deep down, u just feel like hiding somewhere. i hate meeting people especially long lost friends during that time because im avoiding further comments. but oh well, really glad i made great friends like the FAIRIES during those days. indirectly, they gave me the support i needed and of course, i felt myself when im with them. and yes, its funny why i agreed to meet boyfriend for the first time after not meeting at all since graduation from sec sch. hah. call it fate then or maybe he makes me feel comfortable. he allows my confidence to grow back. hah. okay, now i make him sound so noble.

oh well. i think for the past 19++ years, there were only 2 incidences that got me so upset. thats one i mentioned. and another was alevel results. and thinking about that. i think i found my motivation to study!!!!!

okay, im sharing too much abt my personal life. stop here!